spending every night falling asleep holding your stomach, thanking God for this amazing gift because you know how it can all be taken in an instance
wondering if this pregnancy will result in bringing a baby home or is this just a dream with a time stamp on it
touching your boobs to make sure they are still sore and hoping you continue to get sick because at least it means that baby is still in there and growing
trying not to let yourself get too excited because you are trying to protect yourself as well incase the worst happens
asking yourself if this is real and is this the only time you’ll ever get to do this, and will you be able to carry them successfully
having to trust your body to carry this precious life when in the past you couldn’t depend on it to
waiting until your next ultrasound where you can finally hear them again and know their are ok and holding your breath until you can breathe again hearing that heartbeat
playing out several scenarios in your head of all the ways this could end or go wrong and asking God to take over when you feel Satan creeping in trying to get a foothold on your emotions and your pregnancy
wanting to rush the 9 months so they just get here, healthy and safe because you still don’t know if you can trust your body to grow them the way it should
buying a doppler as your first baby item just for your own peace of mind and hear that they’re ok then freaking out if you can’t find the heartbeat
worrying about how you are going to tell your friends who are struggling with infertility and wondering if they will be as happy for you as you would be for them were the roles reversed
analyzing every symptom thinking the worst
worrying about sharing your announcement too soon incase anything were to happen
not knowing where you fit in, somewhere between “struggling with Infertility” and “pregnant with our rainbow” hoping you get to hold them at the end
knowing Infertility and the affect it has on you doesn’t just go away when you see that positive test but wondering if others will assume it does
worrying that your friends and women you pray for will stop confiding in you because you received your miracle while they still wait for theirs
pushing down fear each time it comes up and tries to steal your joy, even though sometimes the crippling fear takes over and joy seems to disappear
getting nervous every time you go to the bathroom hoping you don’t see any drops of blood and if you do, even if it’s normal, it sends you into a panic attack thinking “its happening again”
spending every night before bed laying hands on your stomach thanking God for the most amazing blessing you ever could’ve been given
cherishing every day, every week and every month you get to grow and carry this life because 9 months will be here before you know it
cherishing and appreciating every symptom, each sickness and cramp you have no matter how bad, tired or stretched you physically feel. It’s a blessing to go through any of it and there are millions of women who would love to be in your shoes
thanking God every single day for another day with them, another chance and for hearing your prayer
looking at each week as the babies organs start to form, fingers, toes, ears, fingernails, teeth, just in awe and being amazed and what our creator is capable of and how intricate he planned creating man in such detail. What an amazing God we serve to form us from our innermost beings
keeping verses and affirmations at your desk to speak them over yourself and your baby throughout the day, to make sure they’re covered and protected in prayer
telling God just how faithful he is even though he already knows, it’s giving credit and glory where it’s due as the creator of all life and who created us to carry it
celebrating with but continuing to pray for your friends and all those in this community who are still praying for their miracle and being sensitive about things that could be triggers when posting or talking about pregnancy related things
being ok with friends or followers that will need to unfriend or turn off notifications while you post about your pregnancy because you know how triggering things can be and knowing that doesn’t mean they are any less happy for you, they just need to look out for their own emotions first and being supportive and understanding in that and of them
sheer JOY like we’ve never experienced
something you don’t take for granted and never will because you know what a big deal this is
feeling so unworthy but so appreciative and thankful for a God that even though we are all unworthy, he shows us grace and love and is a mighty and wonderful miracle worker
WORTH THE WAIT. Every negative test. Every loss. Every failed cycle. Every heartbreak and disappointment. Every medicine and shot that made you sick, every uncomfortable ultrasound, procedure and surgery. Worth every single minute because it brought you to them and you would do it all over if given this wonderful chance again
having prayed years for this huge blessing and having to pinch yourself because here it is, being formed in your womb, fearfully and wonderfully made by the creator of the universe
telling your friends and your family shortly after you find out because you want those immediate prayers for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby
not looking at statistics of miscarriage in the first trimester, but reminding yourself that God gave you this baby for a reason and every pregnancy is different
choosing joy. And choosing it over and over and over again. Its telling yourself “today I am pregnant, today I will celebrate and cherish every moment”
promising your child back to the Lord even before they have arrived. It’s telling him that just like Isaac in the bible, this child is his and is a child of promise and if ever asked, the child will be given back to him because he is the one who gave them
promising the Lord that this baby will be raised up to know him. To hear about his faithfulness and what a journey we went through to get them. A baby that will be a world changer and a saint of the kingdom in a world that needs it the most right now
picking out names and wondering who they will be. Which parent will be the favorite, what their personality will be like. Knowing you will be the biggest helicopter parent because they are so precious and you want nothing more than to protect them
Pregnancy after loss or Infertility is something that you can try to explain but most won’t fully understand until they have been through it. These feelings affect women differently. Some are able to let go of the fear and truly live in the moment and celebrate all of it. But some struggle a little more. They are scared to get their hopes up, scared to get excited because they are scared it will be taken from them. They are scared because they got their miracle that what has been their community for year would turn their back on them because they are receiving the gift they have prayed so long for. Wondering where they fit in somewhere in between “Infertility Warrior” and “Finally Pregnant”. At the end of these days, feelings are feelings. What matters is you get to carry this life. I pray that you choose to celebrate every moment of it. That you cast out fear and are constantly praying it away. The Lord will surround you with support that you need, and to those that are unable to give it, just be understanding in that because you’ve been there too. Continue to support your fellow infertility warriors. Pray over them, support them, encourage them, ask how they are doing. Things you may post may be triggering to some, so always try to be sensitive but always make sure you’re celebrating this baby to the fullest. That’s what the Lord wants for you in this miracle.
To those in the waiting. Don’t lose hope. The lord is working on your story, right now. Yes, right now. Even if you don’t feel it, sometimes that is when he is working the hardest. He is writing the most beautiful story for you he just needs you to hang on and to continue to trust his timing. Ask him to use you in your waiting. Not only does it make it the time go by quicker and take the focus off, it is glorifying him in the meantime and he is growing you into the type of Mother you were always destined to be. One who is strong, and a fighter. “When you see miracles happening around you, it means God is in the neighborhood. It’s only a matter of time before he knocks on your door.”
I know a lot of you are in shock reading this, trust me, we are too. I will take it back to where it all started. I documented little moments throughout finding out all the way to our first ultrasound and will collab that together by the time we announce, which may be before this post comes out depending when we decide to.
As you know, we just had our first IUI in March/April and found out soon after that it failed. We wanted so badly for it to be successful but it just wasn’t, which was hard, but it was okay. Back in January I actually stopped praying for a baby. Which I know, when struggling with infertility sounds crazy because normally you are always praying for baby. But I decided to fully surrender it to the Lord. He knew the desire of my heart, he’s the one who put it there. I believed that he wouldn’t have given me that desire if he wasn’t planning on fulfilling it in some way, shape or form. So I stopped praying for a baby, trusted him with that timeline and began focusing on others who are in waiting. I started praying over the girls in my group more than I would myself. I started praying over women who I knew through social media who I saw struggling. I started keeping up with all of their appointments, diagnosis, blood work etc. instead of my own and kind of put our stuff on the back burner. Of course we were still amping up for our first IUI but I made sure my focus was on others and supporting them over what was going on with our journey. This really helped me take the urgency out of our timeline. I didn’t feel like my clock was ticking, I didn’t feel like we were at a pause, God was using me to pour into others all while knowing he was still writing our story on the back end.
I had seen so many miracle babies conceived this year, more than any year before that I remembered. I had a close friend who had just been awarded the Bundle of Joy grant and they could finally start their IVF journey. Another friend of mine relocated to NC and is finally starting her IVF journey as well. Another dear friend of mine in California had done several (and I mean several) IVF transfers and after years, finally found out the most recent one was successful and that she was pregnant! I’ve seen women I have been praying years for, getting and conceiving their miracles as well as their journeys starting that they had been waiting to start but there was always some sort of obstacle but now God was opening those doors. I have said all year that this was the year of miracles, but what I never expected was that I would get to be part of that too…
After our IUI failed we were of course discouraged, but we weren’t done. I knew God had a plan which is why he gave me a peace about not going right into another IUI cycle like the doctor pushed us for. Alex and I both felt a peace about taking the next cycle off just to relax, enjoy our annual family beach vacation and just enjoy time together without doctor appointments, ultrasounds, medicines or shots. It was a great time to let loose. So from April 9th when we saw that “not pregnant” test, we did just that, relaxed and focused on us. We didn’t track anything, we didn’t look at fertile windows or ovulations. We just lived, trusted God and knew he would give us a peace if we were to start the process again in June like we had talked about.
I knew I was due to start my period at the beach. I had been semi regular even with my pcos because of that ovasitol I had been taking. I didnt’ get one at the beach which was fine, I just figured my app was off and it would come anytime like it always did, it seemed to have a mind of its own sometimes. One thing I had changed since we found out we were pregnant last time was now, when I’m about to have a drink, I will take a pregnancy test just to make sure. Last time I found out I was pregnant I had a glass of wine just days before and had no idea. I don’t think that was the reason behind the miscarriage but when you go through one your head brings all these ides up of “what if I had done this, or what if I hadn’t done that”. So anytime I was about to drink wine, or a mimosa, I took a test. So on May 14th, at the beach, I wanted a mimosa.
My mom and I were the last two at the beach house. My brother and his family had gone home a bit early and Alex followed soon after just to get home early and get some exams done that he had for school, it also gave him a day to clean the house before I got back which I appreciated. So here we were, just me and mom. The last day at the beach, just the two of us. This is the morning everything changed…We talked about going to brunch somewhere by the water. I wanted a mimosa so I took the one pregnancy test I had in my bag and laid it on the counter. I went back to my room, laid down, scrolled social media and forgot about the test. The closer it got to us going to brunch I had to get ready. I remembered I had taken that test so I went back in the bathroom with the intention of tossing it then putting my face on. But low and behold “PREGNANT” plain as day in words. I always do the clear blue digitals because they are so concise and you don’t have to worry about “line eyes” or deciphering. I was in shock. Similar to last time I saw a positive, I placed my hand on my hip and looked at it for a minute, thinking it would change or that I must be dreaming. Nope, It said “Pregnant”…I wasn’t sure how new this test was or if it was accurate or not. I called my friend Lashay and showed her, immediately she said “RACHEL! you need to go take another one.” so while mom was in the shower, I took her car keys and rushed off to Walgreens.
I rushed in and got another pack of tests. Went back to the house, took one again, “Pregnant”…. I was still in disbelief but immediately started crying. How was this happening, was this really happening? I remember saying “what does this mean?” which I knew very well the answer but was still in shock by it all……all I could come up with is: BUT GOD. The last thing we expected, sitting here on the counter symbolizing the biggest blessing we had ever been given. I called mom downstairs knowing there is no way I could keep this a secret all day. She walked in the bathroom and I showed her the test. She immediately started crying and kept saying “you’re pregnant! Oh my gosh, praise the Lord.” We cried and hugged and cried some more. I recorded her reaction and it still makes me cry. She raised her praise hands up in the air and said “I knew he would, he is going to do what he’s going to do on his time”. It was such a special time. Me being worried about having the same outcome as last time, I called my RE. They called me in progesterone suppositories to the closest Walgreens to me so I could begin taking them. Mom drove me there to pick it up and we also decided to buy my first, first response line test. I had only done digitals but I know from the line tests you can see how your hcg looks whether it’s a strong line or faint.
We took it back to the house and immediately a second, dark, pink line popped up. I thought, my hcg had to be good for it look like this. Mom and I were both still in shock. I remember while running these errands we just sat in the car in disbelief almost like we were in the twilight zone. I called my RE and had them go ahead and call me in labs for my hcg to be checked first thing Monday. I would drive to CLT to have them done there so I would get the results the quickest. I so badly wanted to know that my hcg was high this time and rising like it should. Those two days having to wait felt like two years. I knew I had to tell Alex before. It felt like the longest drive home from the beach to finally be able to get home and finally tell him the way I wanted. Have you seen Marvel’s movie End Game, that came out in like April 2019? Well Alex picked up a line from that movie that he loved. It was when Iron man had a kid and he told them “I love you 3000” and it was very emotional and a beautiful scene from such a tough looking superhero. After that movie Alex had said “That’s how I want you to tell me when we’re pregnant”. I said ok. So when we got pregnant with Hartley, I ordered him that shirt. By the time it came in we had already lost her so I never got to use it. When it came, Alex had me save it for when we were again. SO this was the time to break it out. He also made a comment while at the beach that felt like a dagger in my heart. My niece has recently become obsessed with Alex and wanted to hold both of our hands at the beach and just walk around, in that moment Alex said “Well I guess I can always just be the fun uncle..” which made my heart sink. You think about that yourself but hearing your husband say it out loud just hit much harder than I did to myself in my head. He was so much more than that and would be so much more than that, I just knew it. So when I found out he would be and would get that chance to be more, I had to add a note to get back at him in a way I guess and be like “See? we did it”
We finally got home after what felt like 6 hours and mom stopping and taking her time at every gas station on the way to try to beat the gas shortage that seemed to be happening. It felt like the longest car ride ever. Alex seems to always call me when I am hiding something and that is when he is actually chatty. I had been avoiding him for hours because I just needed to get home and tell him. Once I finally did I told him I got him a fun T-shirt and to come see it. He came out to the living room. I had the shirt folded in half with all of this stuff tucked safely underneath. He opened and it and said “Wait, you’re pregnant?!” And immediately came to hug me, which lasted several minutes of us just soaking it in along with each other before he said “I’m gonna be a dad”. *cue the tears*. We had finally done it. He then asked if my levels look good, how far along I was and if I knew what it was. All of which I said I have no idea but I go Monday to find out at least some of it. The rest of the day it was amazing time just spent together processing this amazing blessing we had been given. We both felt like someone was going to pinch us to wake us up from this long awaited dream that seemed to be actually happening.
The next day was Sunday. Mom already knew but Dad didn’t. His birthday was tomorrow and I knew we would have family over but wanted to tell him in a smaller setting first. I told Alex I wanted to go to church with them. Mom held my hand giving it little squeezes throughout the service and had the biggest smile on her face. Dad didn’t know why so he kept laying his hand on top of ours and making a smirk of his own. After the service we went to eat at their regular Sunday place, Captains Galley. Dad was in a good mood, he was chatty today. I was going to go ahead and tell him. I told him we had a present for him that I would give him tomorrow but I was going to tell him what it was today and he would just have to act surprised when he got it. He said ok…..But I can wait. I said ok, well I can’t. I looked at him and said “You’re going to be a grandpa again, but this time by me” and his eyes immediately started to well up and said “you’re kidding, are you serious?” and tears started streaming down his face. I had never seen my dad cry until this day. After lots of tears and hugs he kept telling me how proud he was of me and of us. I told him Alex joked that his pitchers weren’t the problem that it was the catchers. I said “well my catchers finally got their shit together”. I felt bad for telling him in a restaurant instead of their house but I didn’t know his reaction would be that emotional because if you know my dad, he can be very sarcastic and stoic. He was so excited. He later told mom he is glad I told him in public because if he was at home he wouldn’t have been able to stop crying. It was the sweetest moment we’ve ever had together. It was so special. I told him I would be able to give him more information tomorrow after our appointment and he just needed to be praying for those levels to be strong and rising.
Before I knew it, Monday was finally here. It was May 17th. Dads Birthday. I got up at 5 and made it to reach by 630 and stood in line till the doors opened at 7. After labs were done I drove back into work. They told me they would call by lunch with results. Going back to work and having to wait again was gruesome. The phone rang at 10:14 and I ran into the conference room at work. However this went, I knew there would be tears. They immediately started with “Congratulations everything looks great” and I immediately dropped to my knees. They said they project that I would be 5 weeks on May 20th and my hcg was at a strong 1067 as well as my progesterone looking great at 22.7. I was so so happy and relieved. They told me they wanted to check it again in 48 hours to make sure it’s doubling. Immediately anxiety set in again. All the what if’s. I so badly wanted it to go up and not drop again like I had experienced prior. Wednesday finally came, May 19th. I drove up to Reach again and stood in line for round 2. Not knowing if my baby was growing or declining. They called within a few hours and said they had doubled (and then some) exactly like they were supposed to and my hcg was now at 2518. They told me I didn’t need any more hcg monitoring and that I was trending in a strong direction. They went ahead and scheduled my first ultrasound for 2 weeks out. I would be 7 weeks and finally get to see baby. We had never made it to an ultrasound before so we are so excited to go. Alex is unable to go with me because of covid restrictions but he is able to be on facetime with me. Reach said to go ahead and call my Dr. Remember Dr. Tuck? Well the joke about Reach getting me pregnant and then coming back to him as my OB was now no longer as funny as we thought. It was happening. I scheduled my ob appointments with Dr. Tuck which would start at 11 weeks and Alex could go with me to that ultrasound. Reach would monitor me closely until then with the 7 week US and then a 10 week US. After that I would be passed off to Dr. Tuck. I feel very fortunate to have 3 US close together because most women may only get 1. I am on the high risk side because of my pcos, past miscarriage and how long it’s taken us to get pregnant but we are believing that we will see a healthy baby and strong heartbeat on our ultrasound on June 3rd.
I started feeling antsy knowing I had 2 weeks of not knowing if those numbers were still rising or not so I reached out to Dr. Tuck. He called me in an hcg and checked it again on 5/26. I was one day from being 6 weeks and my hcg was at a whopping 16,640. I felt so much relief. Now it is just a waiting game to get to June 3rd.
Our 7 Week Ultrasound:
June 3rd came. I had Alex drive me up to Reach and wait in the car, because of covid restrictions he was unable to be in the room with me. I got in there, got under the sheet, feet in the stirrups and waited for our Dr. to come in. I had never been happier to see wanda than I was that day. If you aren’t familiar with who wanda is, that is the vaginal ultrasound wand that gets used on you so much during fertility treatments. No one is ever happy to see her but today I was. Because by using her, I would get to see our baby. Our Doctor came in, congratulated me, asked how I was feeling, went over my vitamins and told me which ones to keep, which to remove etc. I had been getting sick more frequently so she called me in something to help. After all the basics we got started on the ultrasound. I called Alex on Facetime and held it as close to the screen as I could so he could see. We saw a flicker of a small babes in there. The black sack that had always been empty at every appointment we had ever had, now had a little bean in it. A little bean with a heartbeat. It was so awesome to see and made it feel so much more real. Maybe this was finally happening. I started tearing up when they turned the audio on and we could hear the heartbeat. I saw Alex tearing up through the video and started crying myself. We both couldn’t believe this was happening, it was so special seeing our baby for the first time I just wish he had been able to be in the room with me physically holding my hand. I have done appointments without him since the start of 2020 so I was used to doing it on my own but with this being our first ultrasound it hit a little harder that it was still just me in there, even though he was just outside in the parking lot. The Doctor said the HR is perfect at 152 and is strong. Baby was measuring right where they needed to be and she confirmed there was just one baby. They printed off pictures for us. Our very own ultrasound pictures, of OUR BABY. I remember the Dr. leaving the room and me staying back and before getting dressed just holding up the US photo to Alex and just sobbing. I couldn’t believe this baby was ours and they were perfect. He told me to come outside and show him his baby. I got it together, scheduled our next and last US with Reach, at 9 weeks and proudly carried our photo outside like the proud mom I was.
I got to the car and showed Alex. He held it up close and just wanted to look at it. He asked me if I could believe this was happening, I said nope, what about you? He said nope. Later in the car ride we talked about how much more real the ultrasound and seeing the baby made everything then he asked the question of all questions “Was all of it worth it?” I said absolutely. He said he thought so too.
The phrase “not yet” is a hard one to hear, accept and even process when it’s in reference to something you want so badly. Something you’ve prayed so hard for. As a society we are almost taught that if we want something, we get it. Which pretty much eliminates the need to practice patience which is a virtue God wants to show all of us. Even if we are kicking and screaming as he tries to. If when you hear this phrase you think “but what about them, why don’t they have to wait?” read my last post about comparison.
None of us want to hear “not yet”. We want it now, without pain, without timelines, without waiting. We want it to be immediate. Do you think God grows us more in the immediate or in the waiting? In the easily given or the not yet? You probably already know the answer even if you don’t want to say it out loud. I know I didn’t. Even just reading it again I just groaned inside. But it’s true. Take a look at the bible, the biggest most influential Christians and people God used the most got that way from trials they were given and overcoming them. They came out stronger in every way, shape and form, especially in their faith. Their trials refined them. I connect the most with the Lord through music and there are a few songs that come to mind when I think of this topic and they are great reminders and words to repeat to yourself when you are in a “not yet” season. Refiner is a great one that says“I wanna be tried by fire, purified, take whatever you desire, Lord here’s my life.“ What a way to view things and view our trials. Asking for him to test us, with the purpose of making us stronger and refining us in both our faith and in him. Another one is by Jason Crabb, he wrote it for his wife after they experienced a miscarriage and the lyrics are great for every circumstance and battle, whatever your individual battle may look like.
I’ve never been forsaken. I’ve never had to stand one test alone. As I look at all the victories, the Spirit rises up in me. And It’s through the fire my weakness is made strong.
He never promised that the cross would not get heavy And the hill would not be hard to climb. He never offered a victory without fighting. He said help would always come in time. Just remember when you’re standing in the valley of decision And the advisory says give in, Just hold on. Our Lord will show up (Yeah) And He will take you through the fire again
Our IUI that we had been working towards this last month and a half ended up being unsuccessful. So of course, we didn’t want to hear “not yet” but we did. We were and are upset but we know in the midst of this that God is still good and he is still working. Another favorite song of mine is Seasons by Hillsong and the lyrics said:
I can see the promise I can see the future You’re the God of seasons And I’m just in the winter If all I know of harvest Is that it’s worth my patience Then if You’re not done working God I’m not done waiting
See a pattern here? All in a “not yet” season but are being refined during it. Whether you allow and give into this refinement or he pushes you into it, it can’t be avoided, it will happen. We will be presented with trials as Christians and it’s all about how we react. We can go in kicking and screaming similar to when you see a child pitching a tantrum. Eventually they will get sick of fighting and just give in. That’s what he is calling us to do. Stop kicking, stop screaming, let your arms fall limp and let him pick you up and take over. He is worthy of our trust, even with something so dear to our heart. Abraham was told to sacrifice his son to show God how much he trusted him, we need to do the same.
The topic and battle of trying to trust him, his timing and his plan even more than our own hit hard both before the IUI and even harder after. I’ll never forget the morning of the procedure God laid a phrase on my heart. One I meditated on all day and the 2 weeks after as well. It was “trust me more than your plans”. Which is exactly what I needed. Which if y’all know me you know I was like “but why can’t we just follow the plan this time..” but in the bigger picture and in the end, our plans aren’t the ones that matter. I had a flight already booked to Dallas for my Moms in the Making leadership retreat, a trip that had been planned for months, like bags packed and ready to go when I got the call from our Doctor telling us that our IUI would be the day after I was supposed to fly out….I was thinking, are you kidding me? But again…“trust me more than your plans.” So I stayed. Even though this round wasn’t successful I could feel his presence in it and could feel him with me through the process. Which is so special even with the negative result.
It can be hard to keep going when we hear “not yet.” When it comes to infertility you don’t really have a choice but to pick yourself up and keep going. If you want a baby and want to grow your family there is no choice but to keep trying. Whether that’s with treatments or naturally, you keep going and do what you need to do believing that it will all be worth it in the end when you go from “not yet” to “it’s here”. The “it’s here” is what we cling to. No matter what your journey is whether its infertility, or something else you are in the waiting for: the job, the house, the spouse, the financial freedom, the growing your family etc. we can take comfort and find refuge in him knowing that he has us. Even when we are trying to rush through the “not yet” there’s a reason he has us here and he is using us even here in this place, in this season. Trust is a hard subject to grasp but our sweet Savior shows us so many examples in the bible of why he is so trust worthy. So trust him in your wait, because the “not yet” is only temporary, the “it’s here” will be here before you know it. So glorify him and let him grow you in the waiting and think about how strong you will be when you make it through.
Scriptures to cling to:
But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. Jeremiah 17:7-8
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans. Proverbs 16: 3
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Isaiah 43:2
The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. Lamentations 3:25
Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:14
Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. James 1:12
But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31
And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. Peter 5:10
Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. 1 Peter 4: 12-13
It can be hard to stay hopeful in the infertility journey when pregnancies, even miracle ones, are happening all around you. Even when you are genuinely, over the moon happy for them there will always be a little part of you that thinks “when will it be my turn..” Yes, that may sound selfish but if God has placed you in this journey you know what I’m talking about.
A few years ago I started keeping a prayer journal. I am an avid regular journal writer/venter but I needed to start a separate prayer journal to keep track of everyone God was laying on my hear to pray for. I will have women who know our struggles message me to pray for either them personally and sometimes for someone they know who are going through it and need prayer as well. Which is such an honor. But with keeping this journal for even the first year I started to see a pattern. I would write someone’s name in the journal. Name after name, and month after month I started seeing these women get pregnant. One by one I marked their name out and had moved them to the “praying for a healthy pregnancy” column. Did it happen for them because I was the one praying for them? Absolutely not, it was just their time and God’s perfect timing for them. But it was hard at first to see on paper. Name after name getting their blessing, a blessing I had prayed for them to get, yet I myself sat with one baby in heaven but still empty arms on earth. But I had to remind myself that their story and timing has nothing to do with me.…read that again.
It is as natural as breathing to have these emotions in this community. But hear me when I say this, it IS possible to be happy for someone else but sad for yourself. What I had to learn was to put my own feelings aside, take myself out of THEIR story and THEIR timing, knowing I have my own and mine will come when it is supposed to. My biggest and hardest lesson was when one of my closest friends got pregnant. We had miscarried around the same time and had leaned on each other during those dark times and encouraged each other. As terrible as it was to go through, because of it we had developed a bond and had been each others light during the darkest times. We then started asking God not only to bless us with our rainbow babies but to do it together so we could go through the good times on the other end too. Within 6 months she was pregnant with her rainbow baby, a pure miracle he was. But when she told me, I was so overwhelmed with happiness for her yet I also burst into tears for myself. I didn’t understand why I felt so conflicted. I had prayed for her to get pregnant harder than I had ever prayed for anyone. I even prayed for her more than myself and here it was happening. So why did I feel left behind yet again? I felt and had felt like I was running in a race and I keep getting passed by other women I was also cheering for. Why couldn’t I just be happy for them and set my own feelings aside? It wasn’t fair to them or myself.
Does this make me selfish? In a way, yes, but this is when I knew I had to shift my perspective. I asked God through that to help me to celebrate her along with any others and put my own journey aside. Everyone’s journey is different. Everyone’s timing is different. Getting caught into the comparison trap hurts no one except yourself. There is a quote I love and use all the time “Her win does not mean you lose, clap for her, you aren’t even in the same race” and that stuck with me so hard. From that day on God did a complete shift in me, even though it took a while to let my selfishness go he was doing a big work in me and still is. I used to see pregnancy announcements and cry. This being our fifth year trying to grow our family it was just too much. It even got to the point of Alex having me get off social media. But now, by the grace of God when I see an announcement I am genuinely happy for that woman. Every baby is a gift and should be celebrated. Do I still hope it will be my turn one day? Absolutely. But until then I will cheer on all my infertiles and fertiles when God blesses them with a child. I will say, the announcements that are broadcasting how “not planned” it was are a little tough and that is something I am still working on but I do believe that God gives us exactly what we need whether that is planned or not. There is no such thing as un planned because God has planned it for you, you just didn’t know it yet, and it will end up being the biggest blessing of your life. He gives us exactly what we need in the time we need it.
Another thing I think is so important is to continue praying for them. Don’t hear they are pregnant and stop, pray for that pregnancy, pray for that baby and for them to be able to hold a healthy little one at the end of the pregnancy, anything can happen. Speaking from experience you are not in the home stretch just because you got pregnant. In infertility we are so focused on getting to that point that when we do, we think we are good, we made it. No, anything can happen. So pray for the health of that mama and that baby. One thing I try to live by is Matthew 7:12 that says “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them”. So with my reactions to pregnancy announcements I try to react how I would want them react to me. Which yes can still be hard to do. I’m not saying to fake it but try to think about how you would want them to react to your big news had the roles been reversed. I know you have to be in a good place emotionally before you will genuinely be happy for them and if you aren’t there yet, its ok. If you aren’t in the position where you feel like you can “clap for them”, then don’t, it is ok. React however you see fit, no one can blame you but these are things that have helped me in overcoming that hurdle and that bitterness.
What has helped me cope with pregnant friends:
keep up with their appointments in your calendar (I have every one of my pregnant friends ultrasound/scan appointments in my calendar so I can ask how it went and how I can pray both of them for the next one. God will reveal to you what they need prayer over even if they don’t give you the details. But keeping up with it and asking them about it will help make it less awkward for both parties. If you find this is too hard to do you can always do it at a distance, let them know you’re praying for them and leave it at that.
DON’T MAKE IT ABOUT YOU, ask them about them, which will in turn allow them to feel comfortable enough to ask about how you’re doing if they feel led to, and if not, that’s ok. I have found that when they tell me details, instead of it making me upset that it isn’t me, it gives me all the things I can look forward to myself one day. It’s all about shifting perspective.
It’s ok to say no to things or be vague. It is perfectly fine to say no to things that are too triggering. You don’t owe anyone an explanation, whether that’s events or simply muting/unfollowing someone on social media. Those who know what path you’re walking in sometimes will even understand and support you. If it is too much to ask them how they are doing or too much of a trigger, just simply say you are praying for them and leave it at that.
This journey is so hard and so emotional especially when you always feel like you are lagging behind but I promise you aren’t. He is writing your story with the most beautiful pen. He is adding in each detail of who your future baby will be and you will get to enjoy ever single moment of that pregnancy because it will be one that you have spent years praying for. You will appreciate and value every moment, even more than someone who gets to go through it without a struggle. You’re time is coming and it will be all so, so worth it just remember “Her win does not mean you lose, just clap for her, you aren’t even in the same race”.
Scriptures to cling to:
“He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.” Ecclesiastes 3:11
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens” Ecclesiastes 3:1
“ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.” Jeremiah 29:11-12
“But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” 2 Peter 3:8-9
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord.” Isaiah 55:8-9
If you didn’t know, infertility DOES exist in the bible. We know the main ones you hear about, Hannah and Elizabeth, but there’s also Sarah, Rebecca and Rachel. Did you know that every woman mentioned in the bible in relation to infertility and barrenness was blessed with a child? The same God that opened their womb is the same God who will open yours. God showed up and showed his faithfulness. Every. Single. Time. He opened their womb and made them a mother. All of of them. He will do the same for you, no matter what that looks like.
Sarah knew that God promised her a child but because of her age, thought that promise would never be fulfilled. Sarah was the wife of Abraham that you hear about in the bible. Sarah was in her 90’s and told that she would have a child by the next year. She literally laughed. And sure enough, within the year, she welcomed a son, Isaac. God had fulfilled his promise to her. Her story can be found in Genesis 21 : 1-3. When God makes you a promise, he will always fulfill it. It may not be at the time we thought it would be or the way we thought it would be but he ultimately knows what’s best for us and his plan is so much better than any idea we could muster up of what we think it should look like.
Hannah and her story is one that a lot of us in the infertility community are familiar with. And one of my favorites because I think a lot of us can relate to it. Like Hannah, we feel guilt for our body not doing it’s job, we feel guilt for not being able to make our amazing husbands a father and ourselves a mother. We feel ridicule from others whether intentional or not for not being able to grow our family. We see it happening all around us and feel helpless because we aren’t able to speed along our journey or have the timeline or outcome that we would like to.
They have written books about Hannah such as “Hannah’s Promise” and “The Hannah Anointing” etc. Hannah was married to a man who also had another wife. She was the first wife and then he had a second as well. His second wife was able to bear him children, but Hannah was not. In this story they called the second wife “the rival wife” because she would always rub Hannah’s nose in the fact that she could not give her husband children of their own, causing Hannah to stay distraught yet she still trusted God and the desire he put in her heart of allowing her to become a mother one day. The scripture said “Every time she went to the sanctuary of God she could expect to be taunted. It said “Crushed in soul, Hannah prayed to God and cried and cried—inconsolably. Then she made a vow:
Oh, God-of-the-Angel-Armies, If you’ll take a good, hard look at my pain, If you’ll quit neglecting me and go into action for me By giving me a son, I’ll give him completely, unreservedly to you. I’ll set him apart for a life of holy discipline.”
A man named Eli heard her and the scripture said she was “praying in her heart silently, Her lips moved, but no sound was heard” which I loved that wording. I feel like a lot of times that’s the most emotional and heartfelt way to pray and cry out to God. Just between us and him. It says that after he had watched her and she was done, Eli told her to “Go in peace. And may the God of Israel give you what you have asked of him.” In Verse 19 it said she went home and slept with her husband and “God began making the necessary arrangements in response to what she had asked.” How cool is that? That he makes arrangements in response to what we pray for and ask of him. The God of the universe is making arrangements for US to give us the desires of our heart. What an honor and blessing. It then goes to say that “before the year was out, Hannah had conceived and given birth to a son. She named him Samuel, explaining, “I asked God for him.” Another example of God giving a woman the desire of her heart and showing his faithfulness. The story of Hannah can be found in 1 Samuel 1.
Elizabeth was on the older spectrum as well. Scripture says that “They were childless because Elizabeth was not able to conceive, and they were both very old.” An angel came to her husband, and said: “Do not be afraid, Zechariah; your prayer has been heard. Your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you are to call him John. ” Similar to Mary in regards to an angel coming and telling them they would bear a son as well as what he was to be called. Pretty specific huh? If you aren’t familiar with her story, she is the woman who came to Mary a few months into her own pregnancy. God placed Elizabeth in Mary’s path to guide her through pregnancy and the early years of having Jesus as well. One of the things that stood out to me the most in their story was that Elizabeth, who was carrying John (John the Baptist) visited Mary. And when she did it says that “when Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the baby leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit”. WOW, wow, wow , wow. Two women, carrying children who were promises of God who would change the world forever. Jesus being the son of God and John being one of the greatest sharers of the word in the bible. The story of Elizabeth can be found in Luke 1. One of my favorite verses from this passage was in Luke 1:37 that said “For no word from God will ever fail.”
Rebekah was another woman in the bible that is mentioned as barren. Some cool family tie’s for you: she was married to Isaac (the miracle baby of Sarah above which would make Rebekah Sarah’s daughter in law). The founder of Moms in the Making has a blog called In Due Time, she did a wonderful article about the Story of Rebekah which is linked here. In this scripture it says “Isaac prayed to the Lord on behalf of his wife, because she was childless. The Lord answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant. Not only did he bless her with one baby but…”When the time came for her to give birth, there were twin boys in her womb. ” TWO. The story of Rebekah can be found in Genesis 25:20-28.
And then we have the story of Rachel. Rachel’s aunt was actually Rebekah who we speak of above. I’m loving all of these family ties. It makes you think about whether or not infertility ran in the family or if God placed the women who were struggling with it together somehow so they could be there and pray for each other. Rachel had a sister named Leah. Jacob loved Rachel immediately and told her father he would work for him for many years if he could marry her. He got tricked into marrying Leah first but ultimately married Rachel as well but had always loved Rachel more. Scripture says “When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved, he enabled her to conceive, but Rachel remained childless.” Leah had four sons, hoping that with each one she would earn Jacobs love but he still loved Rachel and desired to have a child with her. Rachel wanted a child so badly that she told her husband he could sleep with her maid just so they would begin to build a family of their own. Leah had a few more of her own but Rachel remained barren. Later on it says “God remembered Rachel, he listened to her and enabled her to conceive. She became pregnant and gave birth to a son and said, “God has taken away my disgrace.” She named him Joseph (like the coat of many colors Joseph). Another example of God fulfilling the desires of a barren woman’s heart. Rachel’s story can be found in Genesis 30.
Not many people realize that every woman it mentions in the bible in regards to infertility or barrenness God has given a child. This is why I always say that he wouldn’t have put the desire in your heart if he wasn’t planning on fulfilling it in some way. I do believe this is the case for anyone struggling in this journey. It may not look like a biological child, it may look like fostering, adoption, egg or sperm donors. Gods promise can look like a lot of different things but it is still a promise fulfilled. Looking at reminders straight from the scripture gives me so much comfort. You can always find scripture to remind you of Gods goodness and his faithfulness but being able to find circumstances like the ones above that you are living in too just hits different and hits deeper. I believe that we serve the sweetest God. Who knows the desires of your heart and walks alongside us as they are fulfilled. The same God who makes arrangements for us, as mentioned above. I also believe that he will use us so much in the waiting whether we realize it or not. We may feel stuck or at a crossroads but he has plans for us even in this space. To use us, to grow us, to love us. Ask him how you can make the most of your wait? How you can glorify him in your season of waiting? I promise he will take that question and blow his answer right out of the water for you. He will show you who he is and sit along side you in this season, making the journey to the other end all the sweeter. Just trust him with it.
Scriptures to cling to:
Psalm 113:9 He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord!
Psalm 127:3 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.
Romans 5:3-5 More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Hebrews 11:11 By faith Sarah herself received power to conceive, even when she was past the age, since she considered him faithful who had promised.
Romans 12:12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer
Deuteronomy 7:14 You shall be blessed above all peoples. There shall not be male or female barren among you or among your livestock.
Genesis 1:28 And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”
Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
James 1:17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.
Psalm 139:14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Isaiah 54:1 “Sing, O barren one, who did not bear; break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who have not been in labor! For the children of the desolate one will be more than the children of her who is married,” says the Lord.
The last few weeks have felt like a blur. We had our first call with REACH (Reproductive Endocrinology Associates of Charlotte). Dr. Tuck had called me a few weeks prior and we had yet another phone call of “we’ve done all we can do for you”. Although I am very sad he won’t be my doctor any longer we did all we could do there. His words were “Sorry I couldn’t get you pregnant”. Which we joked about but I am excited we will be with another specialist. In Texas when we started treatment we had an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist). You can do a certain level of treatment through an OBGYN but you really need an RE for the more invasive treatments. An OBGYN can help with fertility but they mostly focus on women who are already pregnant. We were excited to get a referral to REACH so we could be in the care of a clinic where all they do is infertility.
A friend of mine used REACH when she got pregnant with her sweet little girl. I remember her announcing and I asked “what did y’all do differently” I knew they had been trying for a while. She told me they had done an IUI that had been successful, through REACH and a PA named Taylor. She told me if we ever did end up at REACH (which I didn’t think we would because of how far it is) that we should ask for Taylor. So God moment on this one, you ready? Dr. Tuck send the referral over on his own and we got assigned a PA after they looked at our history, guess who the PA was….Taylor.
We had the call with her and I mentioned my friend, she remembered her and even had her pregnancy announcement on her wall. We were excited to be working together. She went through all my medical history. Alex was blown away thinking we were speaking another language. After the call he was like “you knew what everything was, dates, treatments, doses, I don’t know how you remembered all that”. I said, well, someone has to and my body is the one they have done all these treatments on so I try to keep up with it all. It was discouraging to hear the statistics during the call. We had to specify how many medicated rounds of meds we had done, which terrifyingly enough had been over 10 rounds. She said at that point with doing that many, your statistics of it working go down. Which made me feel like I had put my body through unnecessary rounds just to bring our statistics down. I guess when you struggle with infertility, the medicated cycles only get you to a 20% success rate which is the average rate of someone who doesn’t struggle with infertility. It was just discouraging to hear that anyone who does a medicated cycle, the statistics are the same of a normal woman who doesn’t struggle with conception. But I do know that I have always done everything I could to get us closer to our miracle. But I guess I am paying the price now because some medicines are no longer an option for us. Which I mean it makes sense, no wonder I had uterine polyps, all that hormone build up from all those doses. But anyways, on to the next chapter.
She recommended given our history that we move on to IVF if we want the highest results of success. She also said if we wanted to start with an IUI as a less invasive option we could do that. So that’s what we chose to do. I had heard the IUI was a good option for women with PCOS and if we can try the $1200-$1400 option before we jump to the $25,000+ option that is IVF, we would like to try the IUI first to at least see if we find success. She said the most she would do for us is 2 rounds of IUI before moving us to IVF. Also, I was told I would have a flex spending account through my job but turns out I don’t have access to it until they have another enrollment in 2022…AND I checked to see what my currently insurance covers and it covers nothing. I didn’t expect it to cover IVF of course but I thought it would cover some of the IUI stuff, but it does not. Imagine my rage. But I knew that God would provide the funds if this was the route we were supposed to go.
Although we both work, shucking out that money for an IUI all cash without insurance made us catch our breath a bit but we would do anything to get pregnant, even if we have to pay cash for everything. My mom was so sweet and offered to pay for half of our first round. She said “I don’t mind investing in my future grandchildren”. Cue the tears. We can do it on our own financially but for her to even offer meant so much to us. Everyone in our family thought Alex and I would be the ones to make mom and dad grandparents, when we weren’t it was very tough. Now she has a beautiful granddaughter from my little brother and is getting lots of practice for when ours come along. She helps them out so so much so she wanted to do the same for us in our treatment department which was so sweet and brought us to tears.
Well. We officially decided to move forward in doing the IUI. Today we went for blood work for both of us. They wanted to have a baseline. They did 6 different labs on Alex and 14 on me (yikes). We got to have them done together which was amazing considering he hasn’t been able to go to an appointment with me in several months. So hey, we will take a couples lab day sesh.
Looks like a lot but these are wonderful baselines to start with. We had to send all our fertility records to Reach from Dr. Wincek in TX, Dara Curtis, Lauren Hill and Dr. Tuck. So between those records and the new labs they should be good to go. I will be documenting our IUI journey on instagram, this blog and also our FB page. The FB page is where we have the biggest following in regards to our journey and we are so thankful for. I haven’t really pushed this blog much, it is more something for me to keep track of things and if you know me you know I am best at writing things out over speaking them verbally.
We are waiting for my cycle to start for March. Following that we will go in for an ultrasound on cycle day 3 and then from there we will be off to the races with the IUI process. If you aren’t familiar with what an IUI is or if you confused IUI and IVF let me break it down for you. I had to do the same for myself initially when we started this journey.
What is difference between IUI and IVF?
The key difference between IUI and IVF is that in IUI, fertilization takes place internally. That is, the sperm is injected directly into the woman’s uterus. So, if fertilization is successful, the embryo implants there as well. With IVF, fertilization takes place externally, or outside of the uterus, in a lab.
I hope that helps. With the IUI they are also washing the sperm to get the most potent sample of it before they do the insertion. I just think of it like medical, more precise sex since the little swimmers aren’t having to travel (even though Alex’s are fine with all that).
I hope that helps. We are very excited to get started in this next chapter of our journey. I will say, I don’t expect it to take the first time (although my mom is overly optimistic it will). If it doesn’t work the first time we will just hope for success on the second and if not the, we may take a break before IVF just to do some fund raising and prep ourselves emotionally but we will cross that bridge if we come to it. But as I always always say in here. We love you all, thank you for the outpouring of prayers, support and encouragement. It really does mean so much to us. I can’t wait to celebrate with you all when we are on the other side with our miracle one day and what a joyous occasion it will be and worth the wait.
Mother’s Day is meant to be a celebration for most. Being honored for the children you carried and the family that you built. Which to some people may seem like no big deal and just something you do, get married and start a family but even to carry the title “Mother” and get to wear that proudly is a much bigger deal and carries so much more weight than most realize. A day to honor and appreciate them for all that they do and all that comes with it. Which should of course be celebrated. However this day can also carry a lot of hurt that most don’t think about. For example, someone who has lost their mother, someone who is in the process of losing her, someone who is an adopted or foster mother, someone who has angel babies and doesn’t know where she fits in, and lastly but not at all least, someone who is longing to be a mother. I can speak to 2 of these but am blessed to have had an amazing mother who raised me and taught me so much, even now she is my best friend so although I do understand the importance of this day, it also has a sting to it as well.
When struggling with Infertility, this day can come with a lot of stings and heartache. All the posts and pictures of the babies, the big family portraits, the pregnancy announcements, the quotes, the gifts, the cards, all things we want so bad but can’t seem to get there, despite our efforts. Have you ever tried to look for a Mothers Day card for someone who has lost theirs, lost a child? or is in the waiting? It’s next to impossible to find one that is appropriate and comforting for any of those things. 9/10 times when you even begin that search I can promise you that it will end in crying in the middle of the isle into your basket. Because on Mothers Day, most people only see the joy and not the pain that so many may feel. Don’t get me wrong, I love celebrating Mothers and my own mother and don’t want to put a damper on it but if you look at it from another angle, it can be such a hard day for many, so just keep them in your thoughts as well.
Although we have dealt with Infertility for years, last year was the first year that this day really hit me hard. I had never been told “Happy Mothers Day” in years prior, because I wasn’t that yet But let year was different, it should’ve been my first official Mothers Day. That’s when I was told “Happy Mothers Day” for the first time which came with so many emotions. Hartley’s due date was in April, only weeks before Mothers Day came. We were at the beach on our annual family vacation. We are actually be at the beach this year on Mothers Day again. I didn’t expect anything but was having a hard time emotionally from the time I woke up. This would’ve been my first real Mothers Day. I was still struggling with the aftermath of the miscarriage and the emotions that followed it, wrestling with the thought that I should have a baby in my arms that would’ve been a few weeks old but instead it was just a memory of what would’ve been and the baby girl we were supposed to have. I was emotional all day. I didn’t know how to feel or where I fit in. I didn’t expect for my heart to feel as heavy as it did. Part of me hoped Alex would get me a card or something just to commemorate what would’ve been our “first one” but then doubt creeped in saying “Well I’m not a Mother, why should I expect anything?” But I knew just getting something as simple as a card, showing I wasn’t alone and was validated in my feelings of today would have helped ease the pain. I remember praying about it the night before to be ok with whatever this day would hold and asking for comfort during all of it.
I walked down stairs where Alex and Shea (my younger brother) just got back from running an errand. I gave my mom her Mothers Day card and gift and watched my brother as he gave his wife hers, they were new parents. I loved having my niece there too but it brought so many emotions up just watching in real time what we wanted so badly and had fought years for. Everything still felt so raw it was like pouring salt on a wound at times, which had nothin to do with them and everything to do with me. I sat there feeling the ultimate feeling of exclusion until my sweet husband came up. He handed me a Mothers Day card, my first one. If you know me, you know I love cards with lots of writing. I specifically will choose a card with lots of space so I can fill it up with words to my loved ones for their special occasion. If you know Alex you know he is a man of few words but this card he filled top to bottom with the most thoughtful, encouraging and loving words. This card immediately brought me to tears as soon as I read the first line that read: “I know this day isn’t how we thought we would spend it but….”. It continued with the mourning of what would’ve been but also reminders of what we had to look forward to in the future. That Mothers Day should have been different, but it was still made to be so special just to get to spend it together, with peace at the beach, praying and talking to Jesus, honoring our lost baby while also choosing to be hopeful for the future where we longed for the children we know the Lord had promised us. I still have this card on my desk in our baby room and re read it from time to time. There was a ring I had looked at that had Hartley’s birth stone in it. Alex handed me that ring with the card. I didn’t want to take it off. It was a beautiful reminder of Hartley. Dainty like she would’ve been. It was my new favorite piece of jewelry.
Mothers Day is a wonderful day to celebrate and honor the women that raised all of us. Whether that was a mother, a grandmother, a great grandmother, a mother figure, a foster mother, an adoptive mother etc. They sacrificed to make sure that we had the best upbringing. A lot of who we are today was built by them and their influence. This is a day that every mother should be celebrated but women who are longing for that should also feel supported in their own way as well.
To the already Mother:
Thank you for all that you do
Thank you for the sacrifices you make
Thank you for the love you show and the values you have instilled
Thank you for pushing through even when things got hard
Thank you for putting your children before yourself
Thank you for standing with us in the good times as well as he hard
Thank you for being an example of what a Godly mother should look like
Thank you for being our biggest cheerleader and support system
Cherish these moments, hold your sweet children a little tighter today, whether they are big or small, on the good days or hard days, because there are millions of women who would love to be in your position and able to do the same
To the Mother in Waiting:
I see you
I am with you, I know this day is hard and comes with so many emotions
It’s okay to feel joy for others and even your own mother while your heart is also breaking for yourself and your longing to be one
I hope you will stay home today and off social media if that’s what helps you in your healing process
If you are in church and are unable to stand, I hope you stay seated in hopefulness and are reminded that he is faithful and he hasn’t forgotten you, He’s writing such an amazing story for you and your future family that it is taking little longer than all the ones who seem to get there sooner, but it will be all the more special when your time comes, and I know you will stand so tall and so proud
I hope you know that your time IS coming and you have so much to look forward to
I hope you feel seen, supported and encouraged and if you don’t, send me your address and I will make sure you do
I hope you don’t give up hope and let this day break you, you are strong, you are resilient and you WILL be a Mother
I hope you know that you will be one of the best Mothers this world has ever seen because of how hard you have worked and fought to get there
I hope you know that God is using you more than you know in your wait and you will raise world changers when it’s time for the Lord to send them to you
To the Mother of an Angel:
I want to wish you a very Happy Mothers Day from your babies in heaven
I hope you know you are not alone
I hope you know you have so many praying for you today, even strangers you have never met
If you are faced with the stand or sit situation in church or are torn whether to take a flower or not on this Mothers Day, I hope you will take that flower and stand tall. Your baby mattered. You matter. And it wasn’t your fault that your journey to motherhood was cut short and you are no less of a woman or Mother because of it
If you don’t know where you fit in, many of us are with you, I wish I had an answer but honestly, we don’t know either but I do know you should be celebrated
I hope that you feel supported
I hope that you feel seen
I hope that you feel celebrated in whatever way you are comfortable with, whether that be taking some distance to get through the day, receiving a card from your spouse, or thinking about/planning for the future and what is to come when you finally hold your miracle earth side (and you will)
I hope when you feel like you can’t celebrate that you know that you can, you carried them, you anticipated their arrival and then you mourned their loss.I can’t think of another word for a strong champion of a woman like that than “Mother”
Mothers Day is an amazing day to cherish and celebrate the women in our lives who helped mold us into who we are. Who showed us what it’s like to be a Mother. Who taught us everything we know. I hope you feel celebrated today. But I do hope you will think of the women who can’t yet celebrate the way they so badly want to. They matter and should feel celebrated too. No matter your journey: I love you, I see you. Happy Mothers Day.
Verses to cling to:
Proverbs 31:25: She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
Psalm 139:13-14: For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
Deuteronomy 4:9: Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them fade from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them.
Psalm 113:9 He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the LORD!
1 Samuel 1:27-28 I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD. And he worshiped the LORD there.
Isaiah 66:13 As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you; and you will be comforted over Jerusalem.
Galatians 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Isaiah 40:31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Genesis 21:1-3 Now the LORD was gracious to Sarah as he had said, and the LORD did for Sarah what he had promised. Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him.
Proverbs 31:25-28 Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
(I understand this is a sensitive topic and could potentially be a conflicting post, if you would like to discuss further please don’t hesitate to reach out)
This past week was National Infertility Awareness Week. A company called Resolve who is a National Infertility Association and went through all the steps to have the week of April 19th – 23rd officially deemed NIAW.
I got to do a few things to share and bring awareness during this time. Resolve released a topic a day for the duration of that week so those in this community could each share and post and come together in a way, even states and countries apart. It was amazing to see all the different posts by so many different people who struggle with Infertility all over the world. Most of us used the #NIAW2021 hashtag which connected us all together which was an amazing thing to see and be apart of. One of the NC Moms in the Making leaders put together a reel about what Infertility says you are versus what the Lord says you are and the vast comparison. It was beautiful to see so many women with so many different stories, come together and put the focus not only on Infertility but through that to point them to the Lord who even in the midst of this struggle has created us in his image and to him we have no flaws which was a reminder everyone in this journey needed this week as various posts started circulating around.
These are all the beautiful and perfect faces of Infertility. Each of us chose a phrase that resonated with us the most. I chose the phrase “I am Worthy” because that has been a phrase that I have had to remind myself of. I am worthy of a child, I am worthy of being a mother. I. Am. Worthy. So many beautiful women each with their own story and testimony that God is using for both his, and their good. I felt honored to be apart of this and help bring awareness to something that millions of women and men struggle with. I elaborate on these topics more on on my Instagram page. I wrote on a few topics that I thought needed to be addressed such as: What infertility says vs. what he says, I represent someone who, Why we wear orange, and What IVF Advocacy means to me. It was the perfect way to start the week off.
Alex and I headed to Charlotte for the Bundle of Joy, Set the Night Aglow, 2021 Infertility Summit. It was an event hosted by Samantha Busch and her Bundle of Joy Fund. I touched on what their organization does in my last post. Because we lived within an hour and a half we chose to attend in person instead of virtually. Samantha Busch is an advocate I look up to so much in this journey and I wanted to be able to meet her in person and not just stick with our normal exchange of Instagram dm trend. They had several vendor tables set up, I got to meet her midwife, Barbara, who was so nice and gave us such great information for when we are able to get pregnant. There was also an infertility coach there named Caryn Rich. She was so nice and helpful. They also had a BeliBaby table where they offer vitamins for both men and women in relation to the ttc process. They have a great one for guys that can help with count and motility. They also had a book table of her new Fighting Infertility book where you could get a signed copy. And lastly, our clinic REACH was there which was the icing on the cake.
I had Alex holding our seats while I looked around at the vendor tables. One of the ladies in my MITM group came with a friend of hers so we got to explore together while Alex saved our seats, which were right up front. I would’ve gotten closer if he didn’t want to sit by the window so badly. I think at first he thought he may want to jump out of it but he actually ended up finding the information useful. As us ladies were walking around there she was. Samantha Busch, in her orange jump suit, right in front of me. I looked at my friend Lauren and she already knew, I had to keep my composure and play it cool but man it was so hard. She is such a staple advocate in this community I was so excited to meet her face to face. She knew from our instagram dm’s that we were planning on coming. I waited till she was done talking before I approached her. I told her my name and how excited I was to finally meet her. Thankfully she knew who I was too and we exchanged a hug. I asked her how she was and how her levels were doing and how she was feeling (if you don’t know what I’m talking about go check out her social media pages, she is currently pregnant with her little miracle and God has been doing big things for them both). She said she felt good and she and she had another hcg check in a few days, her clinic is REACH as well. We had some more small talk before she had to get in because the panel was about to start but before she went, we snapped a picture.
It was time for the panel to start. They had a newscaster from the CLT news, Allison Latos facilitate the conversation, she had also gone through REACH for her own IVF cycle. Then they had a Bundle of Joy recipient as well, Robbie Bell, a husband who had received the grant with his wife. They also had Dr. Tyl Taylor who was the Lab Director and Embryologist at REACH. He is front and center to everything involving the embryo’s. Another one was Dr. Set Katz who is actually the Cheif Medical and Operating Officer for REACH. Taylor Holt was also on the panel, she is our PA at REACH and has been great so far. It was awesome to see her up there and feel confident that we are in the best hands. Elevation Church also had an outreach person there for support and advocating for support groups, similar to MITM, Kalishia Mitchell. In regards to financing because lets be real, this stuff can be expensive, they had a Financial VP there who worked for the sponsor of the event, Trust Wealth, his name was Tyler Bowery. And saving the best for last, Samantha Busch. Wife of Nascar driver Kyle Busch, Infertility Warrior and Advocate, Author, you name it, she does it.
I can’t tell you how awesome it was to be sitting in front of the top guys in your fertility clinic and really getting to ask questions and pick their brain. I think all the information was great but hearing others asking questions too I kept being like “oh, that’s a good one, oh that’s a good question.” The embryologists I think was who I found the most interesting besides Samantha. These are the guys who are going through the whole process of creating the embryo, keeping them safe, they explained frozen versus fresh, different success rates with IVF vs. ICSI <—- I attached a break down here of that. It was awesome to dive into the information of all the behind the scenes steps to having a successful IVF cycle. Did you know the first IVF baby was in 1978? Not that long ago right? IVF first started when woman who had blocked tubes wanted to conceive and that’s why IVF was created as an alternate route to conception. Now it can be used to conceive whether you have tubal issues or not, male factor, diminished ovarian reserve, after failed IUI’s, PCOS, endometriosis, abnormal cycles etc. He said an ideal candidate for IVF is a couple who has a good egg count and quality and the male has no issues with sperm or motility but has had trouble conceiving which applies to both Alex and myself. So I was happy to hear we would be a good candidate for it, but even if you aren’t a “good candidate” IVF can still work for you because it is a great medical solution to all the issues I mentioned above.
I loved being able to ask questions to the men who would work with and care for our embryos if we were ever to make it to the IVF process. They also went over different kinds of finances that go along with IVF. I know a few clinics have it that if your first transfer fails they will do another one at no cost. REACH said they do have bundles like that but if its just out of pocket the IVF process is around $14,000-$15,000 (still better than the $20k I thought it would be but I’m sure it varies by couples based on what they need) and then if it does fail, to do another transfer with one of your embryo’s would be $4,000-$5,000 which is still better than having to shuck out the original amount again. So we were partially relieved to discover that we didn’t need to come up with as much money as we though we might. I think the more money we can save, raise, get through grants etc will just help us add something additional like acupuncture which I hear is great to do before a transfer. I already go to the Chiropractor which is also a great thing to do but I want to add acupuncture when we decided to prep for an IVF cycle if it comes to that.
There was a more natural route to IVF or type of it I guess that I found interesting as well called INVOcell. That is where they are bringing the egg and sperm together, placing them in almost a salt shaker type thing and then inserting it back in the body, creating the embryo that they will use to transfer it to the uterus. Where as in IVF this is done in the petri dish. INVOcell is significantly cheaper than IVF averaging around $6,000 but the success rates are lower. However, it is a more natural approach that a lot of people take for a more natural route or for religious reasons such as Catholic’s are most known to take this route over something like IVF. I had no idea what the differences were although I had heard of INVOCell. It was cool to get their take on it and hear the pros and cons and differences between them. I like that when someone is at that point that they will go over all of the options and keep you included as you go through it as well to make those decisions.
It was definitely a learning experience and Alex and I both left feeling so much better and having a better understanding of all of that to where if it comes down to that, we are ready and have all the information to hit it head on and have met those Doctors who will be there with us in that as well which was priceless. After the summit we went to the rooftop bar for drinks and snacks. The view was gorgeous and the sun was setting as they were lighting up the buildings orange which is the staple color for Infertility Awareness.
We got to chat with some other couples and people and they had a designated drink for the event that I tried, it even had a glow stick straw in it. We took some pictures with props to commemorate the night. All of the tables were decorated with pictures of Bundle of Joy babies which was a great encouragement to see.
To wrap up the night we all took a group picture to everyone who attended the event, including Samantha Busch as well. It was the perfect end to a great night and we can’t wait till next year.
Bundle of Joy Infertility Summit 2021
The week continued with more advocacy posts and women sharing their story, even the ones who had received their miracle. So many women who sit at home holding their miracle still remembers what it was like to try, wait and pray for them. From what I hear, even after you get that long awaited positivity, the infertility journey never really leaves you like you would think it would.
Thursday of that week was our angel baby, Hartley Rain’s what would’ve been her first Birthday. Which I think it is no coincidence that her birthday falls on NIAW, April 22nd. I had a tattoo in mind that I wanted to get for her first Birthday. It was two birds on a branch with one flying away. It turned out perfect and is a memory I will hold onto forever. Alex is getting the guy version in a few months when he can find someone to do it. I will elaborate on this day and how it was spent in another post.
A day or so after, I wrapped up NIAW2021 by meeting with some of the other NC Moms in the Making women. We met halfway for all of us which was in Greensboro, NC. We went to Cheesecake Factory and had a great time just laughing, me getting to meet them in person since I wasn’t able to attend the leadership retreat and just sharing our story and details about our group along with the conference coming up that we are all looking forward to. It was great to see the faces of the women that I communicate with often but finally got to meet. They were so sweet and I feel so blessed to apart of not only the Moms in the Making community but also to be a leader as well. It’s honestly one of the biggest honors of my life. That’s why this topic is so important to us. Being able to bring women together and study the word together while also encouraging each other in this journey has been the biggest blessing. To support and pray over women while they are in their wait as well, knowing that God is so faithful and is doing big things in their lives. As a leader you kind of get a front row seat to it which is amazing to see unfold.
This was the perfect end to NIAW2021. The awareness brought to this topic is something that was amazing to see. I loved seeing a lot of women share facts and things they want others to know about it as well. Like how little insurance covers, what a toll it takes on your body, emotions, finances and your marriage, the statistics of how many people struggle and if you think you don’t know someone who does, think again, 1 in 8 struggles with Infertility and 1 in 4 have experienced a miscarriage. So many women suffer alone and bringing awareness to this topic is to stop the taboo surrounding it and to help connect women who need that support, with groups and others who provide it. I walked away from NIAW2021 feeling empowered and so affirmed in the small role I play in encouraging and supporting others in their journey, everyone needs to feel that from someone. If you made it to the end, congratulations. There was a lot to recap but I wanted to make sure I got most of the memories in there because it was such a special week. We all wore orange to show we are in this together. Until next year….
A phrase he laid on my heart the morning of our first IUI procedure. For the last month prior we had woken up at 5 am to drive to our clinic in Charlotte before work to do ultrasounds every few days to do follicle checks to ensure that my body was responding to the medicine. This being our first IUI instead of going the regular route with oral meds and a trigger they decided to add injections as well. We had already done over 10 medicated cycles with triggers so my Doctor and myself didn’t have high hopes of me responding to that alone even when you add in the IUI procedure itself. My Doctor recommended we add Gonal-F injections on top of the oral meds and trigger to see how I did. The fertility med I took was letrozole, I took 2 a day for 7 days. On day 4 I also started the injections. They came in a pen where you could switch out the needle caps and choose the amount you needed in the shot which for mine was 50 IU a day from the 300 IU pen. You have to do it within 2 inches of your belly button. Alex did the first one. He did great. I administered the next three myself and then my mom did the last one. Alex finished us off by doing the trigger shot I mention below.
At my first follicle scan it looked like we had one growing measuring at 16.1 mm. We needed it over 18 mm to be viable so it needed to cook a little longer. This was after just a few days of my injections and meds. The first follicle (the sac that holds the egg) grew to 18.2mm within days and they even found a second one on my other ovary that measured 15.8mm.
By then I had finished my injections and my meds. That night they had me do the Ovidrel trigger shot which induces ovulation within 36 hours. This meant that my IUI procedure itself would be in 36 hours as well. It was Wednesday at this time. I was super excited to have a date for the procedure.
They told us to get there early around 7 am to do blood work for me and then collect Alex’s sample. We got there bright and early and ready to go. We even wore t-shirts to commemorate. Who doesn’t love a good cheesy t-shirt.
After that was done they told us to come back at 11 am for the procedure itself. We went to breakfast at one of my favorite spots, Famous Toastery. I ate a healthy breakfast like I had been trying to the last few weeks just to make sure my body was in good shape. We came back at 11 and I went back. Because of COVID restrictions Alex still can’t go with me to appointments.
The procedure itself was very quick, they said Alex’s count and motility looked good and my progesterone from my labs was right where it needed to be for the day I was on. The washed sample was in a purple type liquid in the bottom of a small tube. They used this large syringe type to soak it all up and that’s what they use for the insertion. Of course seeing it for the first time it was like “Ma’am, where will you be putting that?”. But it was fine. After it was done they had me lay back for about 20 minutes before I was good to get up and head home. I just laid there thanking God for allowing us to try this and of course asked him to allow it to be successful if it was his will to be, and if not, to give us hope as we continue to wait and peace about next steps.
We headed home. I had some cramping but that was normal. When I got home I laid down and took it easy for the rest of the day. My mom came by to hang out and pray over me and Alex had me all set up on the couch. Today was day 1 of my TWW (two week wait) as they call it. So in two weeks I would know if the IUI was successful or not. They told me I could test at home on April 9th with a digital hpt. By then I would know if it was positive or negative. Successful or unsuccessful.
The night before I put out a post on social media thanking everyone who had kept up with our journey and this cycle in particular. I had shared what we had done treatment wise before but never documented as much as I did for this. I just wanted to remember every moment of it since this was our first time. I posted that “With whatever the result is tomorrow we will be taking a few days to ourselves to process before sharing, a lot of times in this journey when you share and are vulnerable you feel a pressure to share the outcome even before you have had time to process it and we wanted to make sure we had that time but we would share when we were ready.” Everyone was very sweet and understanding. The morning of April 9th came along. I had prayed the night before with Alex and had a few friends call and pray with me as well as my mom doing it over facetime. I felt very ready to find out the result. I woke up at 6 am and knew it was time. I prayed over the test and told God that I trusted him either way.
The 3 minutes and blinking loading bar went by and then there it was. “Not Pregnant” I looked over it and thought “ok, well now we know.” I already knew I did everything I could have done. I was discouraged and disappointed but I knew we would try again. It wasn’t until I woke Alex up to tell him that “It didn’t work..” that I immediately fell apart. I had to tell him yet again that it was negative. Yet again that I couldn’t give us a baby despite doing everything I could physically do to help make it happen for us. Yet again, it was me….He had me crawl in bed and just held me while I cried. All he said was “so we try, and we keep trying until it happens. You aren’t broken, it just isn’t our time yet” Which in that moment is all I wanted to hear. That we would try again, that this wasn’t my fault. That I wasn’t broken, the timing just wasn’t right. We laid there for a while before I had to go to work. It felt like the longest day ever when all I wanted to do was go back home and lay in bed with him. I guess it’s good I was at work because it kept me busy.
Later that day I finally got to go home, put on my sweatpants and crawl into bed. Normally with weekends I am go, go, go. But I knew with this one I needed to slow down and just process. We spent the weekend at home, together. We had friends and family reach out in text messages to let us know they were praying for us and are here if we need them, all while them not knowing whether it was negative or positive. I went to church Sunday, I knew I needed it. My aunt and mom then wanted to take me to the mountains which is normally my favorite spot but this time it felt different. I tried to smile and push through, we ate at my favorite restaurant, got to go downtown. They took me to a little pub where I liked their cider since I could technically have alcohol again but my heart was hurting. I couldn’t even drink the cider because of the “what if” inside me that the test was wrong. My cycle hadn’t started so I thought maybe there was still a chance? Even though I know how accurate the digital ones are. Those are the only ones I use and the only positive I’ve ever gotten was on one.
I eventually told them that I needed a minute for myself. I went to the park and chose a bench. I just sat there looking at the town and the people in it, all the hustle and bustle and just closed my eyes and talked to Jesus. He knew my heart and knew what I needed, comfort from him and to sit and just be still.
I felt better afterwards. My doctor told me to reach out on day 1 of my cycle and we could do it again….I kindly declined. I had missed a Moms in the Making leadership retreat in Dallas for an unsuccessful IUI and had a family vacation that I look forward to every year coming up in a few weeks and I didn’t want to risk the dates conflicting again. I also needed time and resources for that matter. Each IUI is $1,400 and insurance doesn’t cover any of it. I wasn’t ready to financially shuck that out again so soon and I wasn’t ready emotionally to jump back into it either. I decided to take a month or two off and plan to do a second IUI in June/July. This would allow me some time to relax with family and take a small break before going into it again.
With going back I wondered what we would do different next time. Would we up the dose, would we lower it? Would I have to do injections again or would they try just the meds? I guess those are questions I will get answers to in June when we start again. Until then we both have a peace about taking a break. I’m able to work out hard again and have some time to myself so I plan on doing just that. With the future IUI’s I will post updates for those who want to follow our cycle again but I may not post in as much detail as before now that our following kind of knows how it works now. I wasn’t sure how it would work myself either when we started so I have a better grasp on it now. I feel more confident going into it next time. I am really praying that our follicles will be over 20 mm this time. The biggest one I had in Texas when we did treatment there was 21mm so I would feel really good about next time seeing if we can get them bigger.
I will definitely be updating once we start again. I am thinking we do 1, maybe 2 more IUI’s before we will start on the path of IVF, which for us would bring the highest success rates but we wanted to try the less invasive route first which is why we chose IUI’s first. IVF is very close to $20,000 in price and sadly our insurance doesn’t help at all. We designed a t-shirt a few months back that we will use to raise money for the treatment costs when the time comes. We have kind of sat on it for a while ready to launch it when the time is right and when we know we have to do IVF. I have also talked to Samantha Busch (the wife of Nascar driver Kyle Busch and a huge Infertility Awareness Advocate) a few times and she keeps recommending her foundation so we will be doing a Bundle of Joy application to see if we can get that grant after we have raised and saved our own money first. BOJ is an organization started by Samantha to fund IVF cycles for patients of Reach, our clinic. They do 3 grants a year anywhere from $10,000 to $20,000 and it goes directly to the clinic to be used towards IVF treatment costs. How it works is you do the application and then get your financial treatment plan from the clinic and submit it along with your medical records, that way the amount of money they give is exactly what you need for the cycle. They do encourage you to raise some yourself whether that is through fund raising or donations etc. which I’m not worried about. I know if we do end up having to do IVF I know the Lord will supply the funds to move forward, one way or another. They also do 3 grants a year so there is always time to apply. So just be on the lookout after our next IUI we will probably launch that t-shirt. I made them gender neutral so anyone can wear one. It has a phrase on there that is one of my favorites. I can’t wait for you all to see it.
As always, thank you so much for your prayers, messages, phone call’s and sweet gifts. We feel SO blessed to have the support system we do and we realize what a big deal it is to have that because a lot of women go through this without it. So as always, thank you, thank you, thank you. It all means so much. And the fact that we have gotten messages of people who have never been in this journey just saying “I don’t know what you’re going through but I am here if you need me and am praying for you.” means so much to us. You don’t have to understand this world to support someone’s journey in it. God can use every single one of us through our individual journeys to minister and reach others to glorify and point them to him, we just have to be open to be used.
I know it’s all in Gods hands and he is in control. I am trusting him with this journey whether our next IUI is successful or not. I am finally for the first time in our journey feeling a peace in the waiting. I am sick of waiting, don’t get me wrong but I feel a peace in it as I see what he does next. I am enjoying leading my small group and supporting other women in their waits and not focusing on mine as much which has made a world of difference. I still want a baby more than anything in this world but God is finally giving me peace and contentment in being used in this season while he continues to write our story and execute his plan in our journey to baby Ratledge.
I had my first Leaders prayer night with the other leaders of MITM. It was amazing. We did it virtual, because, COVID but it was so great y’all. The way they laid it out was someone shared their prayer request or what was on their heart, then someone would volunteer to pray for them, then that person would share and then so on and so forth. It was amazing that with each prayer request, it was something all of us could relate to. Whether that was self confidence with your body, for health with new eating habits, for hope when you are in the maternity section for faith to make that purchase for yourself as an in faith gift, struggling with a younger sibling having a child while you yourself have waited and prayed for years for that very thing, for peace and guidance for what to do next, just all of it. All of it we could relate to, all of it was beneficial and just the power of praying women over something we all struggle with was an amazing thing to be apart of.
I have a prayer partner who’s name is Randi. She is the sweetest girl. I would never have thought of having a prayer partner in another state but it has honestly been amazing. I was matched with her through MITM as well. She just became a member of the virtual support group and had her first night earlier this week. She enjoyed it a lot. Just like I mentioned above, there is something so special about having a dedicated prayer partner where you pray for each other specifically. I went to an event at my moms church on Saturday morning that was a type of womans brunch. They went over the power of prayer and habits when studying Gods word and maintaining that relationship. And how when someone comes to mind, pray for that person right then because more times than not, if we plan to pray for them later, we forget about it. If we pray for the person as soon as God lays them on our heart we make sure that it gets done right then. I thought that was an amazing way to pray for others that is more non traditional.
Back to MITM, some of the groups have already started. I had my first “Get to know you night” but our actual group starts on Feb 7th. I am super excited for that. I keep hearing how amazing it is for the new leaders their first night. To have all the women there together, sharing their story, what a vulnerable time that will be, full of laughter and I’m sure tears too. I can’t wait to experience that with the ladies in my group. I have been so blessed to have some amazing women with amazing stories in my group and one is even driving close to an hour to be apart of it which I am so humbled by.
At first I was nervous because as y’all know, I can be a mess. How am I suppose to lead a group when I myself am still struggling with the things I am speaking on. But you know what? That’s ok. Because we are all on the same level and are all walking through the same chapter just in different ways. The study is on Wholeness in every area of your life and how it’s important to achieve and work on that prior to having kids because you really are setting the ground work for what you want your family to look like. And I love that. I’ve always said that with Alex and I, every decision over the last few years has been made in the best interest of our future family. With regular pregnancy vs infertility, you have that time to decide what you want your family to look like, the values, the habits, what you want to teach them, and everything else that comes with it. If we got pregnant without any wait or struggle we would be scrambling (even though you have 9 months) to get everything together. Where in infertility you really do get to pray over every single aspect of it before that miracle baby comes and think about how worth it, it will be when that does happen and what a peace you will have knowing that you have already discussed the hard stuff. I don’t think I will ever say that I am “lucky” to struggle with infertility but I will say that without the struggles of it, I would never have been able to be used by God in relation to it or meet so many amazing women that have grown into friendships because of it.
I have such a peace about this next chapter. About this group, about our rainbow baby, I think this is the most I have been at peace throughout our entire journey, even while some things are up in the air. I don’t feel a sense of urgency like my clock is ticking like I have previously, I just see God working in the details and can’t wait to see what he will do, whether that’s in 2021 or any of the years after (although I hope it’s sooner obviously). One of my resolutions this year is to take time to enjoy the moment. Enjoy the journey we are in even if it isn’t where we want to be or thought we would be. I think there is something beautiful about the journey as well as the destination.
Faith Through Fertility 